I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
