like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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