i permit you to call me
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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