I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
