When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
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