did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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