what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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