what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
