if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I will be naked everywhere
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
