@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
