??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Fuck appropriateness.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
