I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
