it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
