I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
