Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
