Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
