I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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