this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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