Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
