someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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