The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
