that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
