I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
