walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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