You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
