I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
