My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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