When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
