i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
