he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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