At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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