my vag is so smooth its legendary
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
