woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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