saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
