I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
