All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
