I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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