a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
