I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
