you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
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