Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
