Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Mom said you looked used
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
