took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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