yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
