I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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