Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
