I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
