Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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