I'm jealous of your bromance
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
