I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
